A Podcast For Blind People

We're keen to be more socially inclusive here at Big Cloud, so we have re-recorded one of our classic podcasts, The Writers Room, for blind people.

You can subscribe to Big Cloud podcasts here, or stream that bitch right here.

Cream Team

Follow the exploits of Dunton Bassett FC, as the strugglers from the Coca Mola Novelty Drink Regional League 4 receive a much needed financial boost from a controversial new sponsor.

What's Michael's favourite film? Requiem for a Stream. Download or subcribe through Feed Burner. Great, thanks. Thanks very much. Cheers. All the best.

The Ski Rep

Oh, yes. Yep. Yes. Uh-huh. It's the new Big Cloud podcast. It's here. It's finally here. The movie event of the century... if by movie you mean 'cheaply made, low-quality audio' and by century you mean 'day'.

Anyway, basically it's about this guy. And he's a ski rep.... You know what? I don't want to ruin in for you. Just listen for yourselves. Enjoy.

Is it real or just a stream? Or you can subscribe at Feed Burner. 'Shit yes', I hear you say.

Murder Investigation Haunts 'Small' Village

Smurf Village, situated deep inside an unknown forest, has been plunged into disarray following the assassination of Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf, who celebrated his 50th birthday this year, was doing some smurfing in the garden of his mushroom house when an unknown assailant broke into his home before smurfing Papa Smurf with a blunt object, said to resemble a cricket bat.

Next door neighbour, Vanity Smurf, had this to say, following the horrific incident: “I was just smurfing in the kitchen when I heard a loud noise so I smurfed outside as quickly as I could - and there I saw him, Papa Smurf, smurfed. Completely smurfing smurfed. Anyway, how do I look? Smurfing hot, yeah? You’d smurf me right?”

The police are currently interviewing suspects. Among those accused of this shocking atrocity are Sneaky Smurf, Snappy Smurfling, Enchanter Homnibus, Grouchy Smurf and Spy Smurf - who was a colleague of Papa Smurf during his time at the CIA in the mid-1960s.

Grouchy Smurf was quick to defend his name. “Smurf you!”, he said, “I ain’t no smurferer. You smurf.” Sneaky Smurf also rebutted the allegations saying, “no mate, it wasn’t me. I was smurfing Princess Salvina… oh yea. That smurf can smurf, you know”.

The police are said to be looking for a small blue man, wearing white trousers, white shoes and a white hat. If you see someone who matches this description please call 08701 89 891 and ask for Detective Inspector Harmony Smurf.

Sssuffer in Sssilence

A man who suffers severely from a lisp has decided to cure the problem in the most drastic way imaginable - by simply not saying any words that contain the letter 's' in its hard-pronounced form.

Steve Sykes, 77, of Syndenham, has suffered from the affliction since birth. Instead of saying the letter 's', as in 'snake' or 'synapses', he says 'th', as in 'thoughtful' or 'mother'. And instead of saying 'c', as in 'cyanide' or 'rotten plaice', he says 'th' as in 'third in line to the throne' or 'William Rothschild'.

Steve has had to put up with jibes and mickey-taking with regard to his childish and effeminate enunication of this fairly straightforward sound his whole life.

Well, not anymore. As Steve Sykes himself says succinctly, 'eventually the joking had to end.'

'I haven't uttered one word with that letter in it for a whole week. And I don't think I ever will have to ever again in my whole long life.' At first Steve had to lower himself to the status of Steven Hawking, who is much, much cleverer than Steve but who has to write all his sentences into a computer before it can be made into sound. Steve's 1979 Penguin Mach2 typewriter was taking too long, however, so Steve began to practise at night-times in front of the mirror.

'It was hard at first. It took a really long time - hours and hours - to get good at it, but I made it eventually. I'm really happy now.'

I pointed out to him that he had just said the word 'first', which contained an 's', and that for the first time in the interview he had sounded quite silly, but I wasn't expecting him then to jump head first through a closed window on the fourth floor of my apartment block. The funeral is on Friday.

There Is No (Blo)g-spot?

Scientists have revealed that the elusive “G-Spot” may not be all that it seems. The “G-Spot”, or rather the term, was founded in the 1950s and since this discovery men have searched far and (sometimes) wide for this apparent “mine of pleasurability”. However, some of the world’s most highly regarded scientists have learned that the G-Spot does not necessarily reside in all females. This has always been a “touchy subject” amongst us humans since it’s discovery 50 years ago, however men and, of course, some women, have spent much of their adult life “up all night” searching for this little taboo.

Doctors at L’Aquila University in Italy now have strong evidence of this, even though many Doctors had been confident that the female anatomy is not the same for all women. Ultra-sound scans have revealed differing anatomical structures in women who claim to have regular orgasms and those who do not. But, in-depth science aside, what I want to know is: why is it called a “G-Spot” anyway? Is there an A and a B spot that have already been discovered but aren’t very interesting? Perhaps there’s an “H –Spot” in the little toe? Who knows! The Doctors of L’Aquila University probably know all the “spots” but are keeping it from us for their own personal use… Us desperate men who wish only to please our partners as much as possible! Why do we do this anyway?! I doubt women go around wondering how they can send their man into ecstasy! Do we worry about it because we feel guilty when we’re busy doing “man things”? By “man things” I don’t mean “self-harm”, as many think of it, e.g. Cliff Richard, I mean: going to the pub, meeting mates, and going to the footie every Saturday. Why do we feel guilty doing this? Just because they’ve got nothing better to do on a Saturday!!… Oh dear… I seem to have lost my head.

Guitar Hero

It's that time again. Time for another Big Cloud podcast. Fancy a giggle? Course you do. That's what you came here for, wasn't it?! Find out how Michael fairs on his third guitar lesson. Is he going to be the next Hendrix? Err.. unlikely.

Get out the sauna, and join us in the stream room. Or subscribe, if you haven't already (dick), at Feed Burner.

The Writer's Room

Oh sweet, it's the new Big Cloud podcast. The story of one hapless writer, two inept producers and a lawsuit waiting to happen.

You can listen to the podcast here, or subscribe to the Big Cloud podcasts (hey, that sounds like a flippin' great idea) through Feed Burner here.

Czech Republic Public Says 'Fork Off' to Cutlery Ban

The Czech Republic has been plunged into a state of widespread of mild discontent, after the Secretary of State for the Interior announced an embargo on all cutlery except teaspoons. The Government took the unprecedented step after the country’s economy crashed amid accusations of financial mismanagement. The repossessed knives, forks and spoons will be melted down to make 150,000 Petr Cech figurines.

Michal Zitka, an accountant from Prague, said “This is totally absurd. Why just leave us teaspoons? We don’t even drink that much tea. I mean, teaspoons, for Christ’s sake. What are they good for? Have you ever tried eating pot noodles with a teaspoon? It’s practically impossible. You just end up with a teaspoon full of sweet and sour flavoured noodle water.”

The Government has stated it hopes to raise over 675 euros through the initiative. Petr Cech welcomed the move, stating “yea, no. I think it’s great. My kids love the little figurines of their dad. If nothing else, this misguided endeavour has made two little Czech children very happy. I’m earning bugger-all in images rights, though.”

Climate Change A Myth, Says Survey

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has published statistics which show that wombats are the primary environmental concern of most British people. In the survey, carried out by Ipsos MORI, 87% of people revealed that wombats "scare the bejesus" out of them.

The Secretary of State for the Environment, Hilary Benn MP, was philosophical about the outcome of the survey, stating "fair play, they are blood scary. with those big teeth and tails like an old fashioned tennis racket". When informed that he was actually thinking of beavers, Mr Benn stated "Really? Whatever. Public opinion doesn't lie. Look at Big Brother for example."

Additional environmental concerns highlighted by the report included roundabouts, the X-Men, deforestation, George Bush and the price of seabass. Climate change was identified as an issue of concern for only 0.76% of respondents.

Matthew Murphy, frontman of British indie-pop sensations, The Wombats, reacted poorly to the report. "This is an absolute sodding nightmare. Now people won't buy our albums due to negative connotations. I would be very interested to learn the scope of the sample employed Ipsos MORI in this vulgar excuse for a survey."

A separate survey carried out by Defra found that 100% of red squirrels feel the introduction of grey squirrels to the United Kingdom has been a bad thing. Joseph the red squirrel was quick to defend the result, stating "honest to God, it is not a race thing".