iCharge

We all have at least one portable electronic device that we use from day to day. Most of us, I for one, couldn’t live without them. These include: mobile phones, MP3 players, digital cameras, mini-Consoles like the DS and PSP, and Sat Navs. Some of us endeavour to get the most up-to-date technology, while others, fair enough, are happy with their Nokia bricks and Sony Discmans. All these things are great… but we have to charge them… ALL the time… This is why fewer and fewer people are going camping – because after two days without a plug socket, you are uncontactable and most probably bored.

How many times have you been on a night out, your mates are lined for a photo, often in unbalanced poses and pulling a funny but difficult-to-hold facial expression, and you’re about to take a picture and your camera just dies? Plus, it doesn’t die before you think you can capture this moment, it dies as soon as the button is pressed and this usually results in everyone hating you. I admire some of you though – you don’t give up - you take the battery out and put it back in again and it always gives you a bit more juice.


What annoys me most about this is when your phone or camera is low on battery. It doesn’t try to preserve this power it has left - it screams and flashes at you until it inevitably dies. It’s the equivalent of someone constantly telling you that they are worried their voice is going.

Apparently, with some mobile phones there’s a code you can enter and it will give you a little bit more power, if it is running low. If this is true, this is absolutely ridiculous. So basically, if you don’t know the code, your phone dies even though it’s got reserves somewhere. Well that’s just great! Who do they think they are? This isn’t the same as that Grand Theft Auto game where if you press the Triangle and the X buttons seven times each, whilst doing a twirl, you can get a Bazooka - this could be a matter of life and death.

Why hasn’t the self-charging battery been invented? Surely there’s a way? Can’t the battery use the energy it produces and recycle it? I still don’t know how the hell fax machines can do what they do and they’ve been around for ages! AND they don’t need charging! Ok that’s slightly different.

Recently I bought this laptop, which I’m using now in Caffe Nero, and it’s great but I didn’t think I’d have to ch……..

Vampire Taunted By Peers For Not Knowing Kung-Fu

A vampire has disclosed he suffered decades of torment from fellow vampires for not knowing the Chinese martial art, kung-fu. Novak Strigoi, 1276 from Krakow, has been teased mercilessly by his undead contempories for failing to match their uncanning grasp of physical combat.

Strigoi, who now resides in Paris, said "It's a joke. I don't see why they all pick on me. I mean, come on. Doesn't it strike you as slightly odd that none of these vampires new kung-fu when they were alive, but as soon as they become 'the undead' they're trotting around like Bruce friggin' Lee."

Strigoi feels that Hollywood depictions of vampires are creating a disconnect in the mind of the public about the day to day lives of normal vampires. "I swear, it's all down to the movies. No one used to expect me to know kung-fu, now I'm treated like a leper because I can't use nunchucks. People see Blade, Blade II and Underworld... and Underworld II and think that we're all supposed to be flying around, kicking people in the head and getting up off the floor without using our hands."

Strigoi has narrowed this trait down to post-millennium films. "It wasn't so bad in the mid-nineties.. Interview with a Vampire, Bram Stoker's Dracala - no one did kung fu in that shit. Yea, The Lost Boys was a bit out there, but that was a one off."

Mr Strigoi sees no choice but to adopt that universal mantra 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em' by learning a martial art. Strigoi said "Yes mate, I've just signed up to a pilates class at the local gym. It's just a council run place, but it's pretty cheap and it might be a nice place to meet women too. Grrrr."

Don't Knock It

Nice. ActionAid, an anti-poverty charity (as opposed to all those pro-poverty charities), has lodged a petition to have St. Pauls Cathedral in London demolished. The move comes after a mining company pressed forward with plans to develop a bauxite mine in the Niyamgiri mountain – that’s in India, by the way.

According to ActionAid, the proposed mine will displace the 8,000 strong Kondh tribe who inhabit the mountain, as they believe it home to the God Niyam Raja. That’s not all, tiger. ActionAid believe the mine will destroy local eco-systems, cause deforestation and adversely affect water sources. Bad news all round.

So, as the logic goes, by applying to knock down St. Paul’s, ActionAid will draw attention to the plight of the Kondh tribe and force the mining company, Vedanta Resources PLC (who must be spitting tacks by now) to withdraw their “outrageous” plans. Yea, sure – the logic is tenuous – but by crikey, has it worked. The story has been picked up by a large number of media outlets – including both Wigan Today and Worthing Today. And the BBC and some other places.

So, good on ActionAid. Do you know what would be really funny though? If their proposal went through and they tore St. Pauls down. Egg. On. Face.

Hitler vs Hot

Yea sure, David Davis returned to Parliament on 11 July, having (re)won the seat of Haltemprice and Howden with a majority of 15,355. For the innumerate among us, that’s fifteen thousand, three hundred and fifty five. Not a bad result, but slightly less impressive given that neither the Liberal Democrats nor the Labour Party put forward a candidate. Which kind of makes the whole thing a bit of a waste of time.

But the bi-election did throw up one interesting result – Tess Culnane of the National Front managed to beat Gemma Garrett of the Miss Great Britain Party by 23 votes. Now, I don’t want to be crass about it, but you have to be sick bastard to vote for the National Front over Miss Great Britain.

In case you didn’t know, The National Front is a white nationalist organisation founded in 1967 in opposition to multi-racialism and immigration. That’s how they describe themselves. Others would use slightly less generous and ambiguous terms. These might include “Nazis”, “racists”, “dick splashes” or “knob jockeys”, while our American friends would, quite rightly, refer to them as a “douche bags”. Not that anyone would know what that meant.

It’s a damning indictment on the people of Haltemprice and Howden. Not only would I vote for the Miss Great Britain Party over the National Front, I’d probably vote for them over Labour, the Conservatives and the Lib Dems too. In fact, I wouldn’t even demand an election. I’d be totally cool if the Miss Great Britain Party took power through a lethal, smokin’ hot putsch. A coup d’freakin' gorgeous.

I mean, I’d sympathise with the National Front supporters if Gemma Garrett wasn’t that hot, but she’s seriously hot. Right now, there are 544 people in North East Yorkshire who deserve a kicking. The National Front? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Cruci-Fiction?

One of the greatest of all the conspiracy theories is whether Henry VIII was called Henry VIII because of the eight wives he had. But today I’m going to talk about the Crucifixion of Christ. Christians believe Jesus Christ sacrificed His life on the cross in order to save mankind, but the question that has been fiercely debated for millions of years is: Was He actually crucified?

Did you see it happen? Probably not. Did Mark see it? Matthew? Was Luke in the country at the time? Was John about? These guys claim to have seen it happen but how do we know they’re not just a bunch of jokers?

How about this to whet your appetite…

Research carried out by students at Cambridge (Polytechnic) suggests that the act of crucifying had not been invented at this time. One student, Thomas Benetton, maintained, “The actual act of crucifying had not been invented at this time.” In fact the first time the term ‘Crucifixion’ is used is in Shakespeare’s romantic comedy, Macbeth, when Romeo is expressing the pain he is in after getting shot... “Thy suffering is like the man whom gave up His life in the holiest Crucifixione”. However Shakespeare spells Crucifixion with an ‘e’ on the end so he was probably talking about something else.

It is evident from the immense number of works of Art produced over the centuries that the majority of people consider Jesus to have "died on the cross". There are others however who strongly believe He got trapped in some brambles after running away from a boar and eventually died. This is unlikely however as boars do not hunt man, and never have. A great number of paintings were produced that showed this event but they were destroyed by the Spartans during the Counter Reformation. These Barbarians swept through Europe (some time after Christ was born and a bit before the Renaissance) and destroyed every single one of these images. The reason we know that these existed is because a painting of a lost painting was produced before the original was lost. Unfortunately this is now lost, but a photograph was taken in 1943 but the photographer used too much flash so it’s pretty much illegible.

So, how did Jesus die then? If the students of Cambridge (Polytechnic) are right then we have been outrageously misinformed. Did Matthew, Max, Luke and John pull the event out of thin air? Did Jesus actually die in his sleep one day but this wasn’t interesting enough? These writers were probably young. They certainly sound young (you will be hard pushed to find any Lukes or Matthews above the age of 35), and like any budding journalist they “beefed up” the event to make it sound more dramatic. The punchy alliteration of the headline: “Christ Is Crucified!” would have had much more impact than “Jesus Found Dead in a Bed”.

I may have no answers but I have certainly played my part, and the debate must continue from the steps I have laid out in front of me (but for you to tread obviously. Not you in particular if you don’t want to but it’s there anyway so just bear it in mind…. N.B. I am not excluding wheelchair users so don’t write in please.)

A Podcast For Blind People

We're keen to be more socially inclusive here at Big Cloud, so we have re-recorded one of our classic podcasts, The Writers Room, for blind people.

You can subscribe to Big Cloud podcasts here, or stream that bitch right here.

Cream Team

Follow the exploits of Dunton Bassett FC, as the strugglers from the Coca Mola Novelty Drink Regional League 4 receive a much needed financial boost from a controversial new sponsor.

What's Michael's favourite film? Requiem for a Stream. Download or subcribe through Feed Burner. Great, thanks. Thanks very much. Cheers. All the best.

The Ski Rep

Oh, yes. Yep. Yes. Uh-huh. It's the new Big Cloud podcast. It's here. It's finally here. The movie event of the century... if by movie you mean 'cheaply made, low-quality audio' and by century you mean 'day'.

Anyway, basically it's about this guy. And he's a ski rep.... You know what? I don't want to ruin in for you. Just listen for yourselves. Enjoy.

Is it real or just a stream? Or you can subscribe at Feed Burner. 'Shit yes', I hear you say.

Murder Investigation Haunts 'Small' Village

Smurf Village, situated deep inside an unknown forest, has been plunged into disarray following the assassination of Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf, who celebrated his 50th birthday this year, was doing some smurfing in the garden of his mushroom house when an unknown assailant broke into his home before smurfing Papa Smurf with a blunt object, said to resemble a cricket bat.

Next door neighbour, Vanity Smurf, had this to say, following the horrific incident: “I was just smurfing in the kitchen when I heard a loud noise so I smurfed outside as quickly as I could - and there I saw him, Papa Smurf, smurfed. Completely smurfing smurfed. Anyway, how do I look? Smurfing hot, yeah? You’d smurf me right?”

The police are currently interviewing suspects. Among those accused of this shocking atrocity are Sneaky Smurf, Snappy Smurfling, Enchanter Homnibus, Grouchy Smurf and Spy Smurf - who was a colleague of Papa Smurf during his time at the CIA in the mid-1960s.

Grouchy Smurf was quick to defend his name. “Smurf you!”, he said, “I ain’t no smurferer. You smurf.” Sneaky Smurf also rebutted the allegations saying, “no mate, it wasn’t me. I was smurfing Princess Salvina… oh yea. That smurf can smurf, you know”.

The police are said to be looking for a small blue man, wearing white trousers, white shoes and a white hat. If you see someone who matches this description please call 08701 89 891 and ask for Detective Inspector Harmony Smurf.

Sssuffer in Sssilence

A man who suffers severely from a lisp has decided to cure the problem in the most drastic way imaginable - by simply not saying any words that contain the letter 's' in its hard-pronounced form.

Steve Sykes, 77, of Syndenham, has suffered from the affliction since birth. Instead of saying the letter 's', as in 'snake' or 'synapses', he says 'th', as in 'thoughtful' or 'mother'. And instead of saying 'c', as in 'cyanide' or 'rotten plaice', he says 'th' as in 'third in line to the throne' or 'William Rothschild'.

Steve has had to put up with jibes and mickey-taking with regard to his childish and effeminate enunication of this fairly straightforward sound his whole life.

Well, not anymore. As Steve Sykes himself says succinctly, 'eventually the joking had to end.'

'I haven't uttered one word with that letter in it for a whole week. And I don't think I ever will have to ever again in my whole long life.' At first Steve had to lower himself to the status of Steven Hawking, who is much, much cleverer than Steve but who has to write all his sentences into a computer before it can be made into sound. Steve's 1979 Penguin Mach2 typewriter was taking too long, however, so Steve began to practise at night-times in front of the mirror.

'It was hard at first. It took a really long time - hours and hours - to get good at it, but I made it eventually. I'm really happy now.'

I pointed out to him that he had just said the word 'first', which contained an 's', and that for the first time in the interview he had sounded quite silly, but I wasn't expecting him then to jump head first through a closed window on the fourth floor of my apartment block. The funeral is on Friday.

There Is No (Blo)g-spot?

Scientists have revealed that the elusive “G-Spot” may not be all that it seems. The “G-Spot”, or rather the term, was founded in the 1950s and since this discovery men have searched far and (sometimes) wide for this apparent “mine of pleasurability”. However, some of the world’s most highly regarded scientists have learned that the G-Spot does not necessarily reside in all females. This has always been a “touchy subject” amongst us humans since it’s discovery 50 years ago, however men and, of course, some women, have spent much of their adult life “up all night” searching for this little taboo.

Doctors at L’Aquila University in Italy now have strong evidence of this, even though many Doctors had been confident that the female anatomy is not the same for all women. Ultra-sound scans have revealed differing anatomical structures in women who claim to have regular orgasms and those who do not. But, in-depth science aside, what I want to know is: why is it called a “G-Spot” anyway? Is there an A and a B spot that have already been discovered but aren’t very interesting? Perhaps there’s an “H –Spot” in the little toe? Who knows! The Doctors of L’Aquila University probably know all the “spots” but are keeping it from us for their own personal use… Us desperate men who wish only to please our partners as much as possible! Why do we do this anyway?! I doubt women go around wondering how they can send their man into ecstasy! Do we worry about it because we feel guilty when we’re busy doing “man things”? By “man things” I don’t mean “self-harm”, as many think of it, e.g. Cliff Richard, I mean: going to the pub, meeting mates, and going to the footie every Saturday. Why do we feel guilty doing this? Just because they’ve got nothing better to do on a Saturday!!… Oh dear… I seem to have lost my head.

Guitar Hero

It's that time again. Time for another Big Cloud podcast. Fancy a giggle? Course you do. That's what you came here for, wasn't it?! Find out how Michael fairs on his third guitar lesson. Is he going to be the next Hendrix? Err.. unlikely.

Get out the sauna, and join us in the stream room. Or subscribe, if you haven't already (dick), at Feed Burner.

The Writer's Room

Oh sweet, it's the new Big Cloud podcast. The story of one hapless writer, two inept producers and a lawsuit waiting to happen.

You can listen to the podcast here, or subscribe to the Big Cloud podcasts (hey, that sounds like a flippin' great idea) through Feed Burner here.

Czech Republic Public Says 'Fork Off' to Cutlery Ban

The Czech Republic has been plunged into a state of widespread of mild discontent, after the Secretary of State for the Interior announced an embargo on all cutlery except teaspoons. The Government took the unprecedented step after the country’s economy crashed amid accusations of financial mismanagement. The repossessed knives, forks and spoons will be melted down to make 150,000 Petr Cech figurines.

Michal Zitka, an accountant from Prague, said “This is totally absurd. Why just leave us teaspoons? We don’t even drink that much tea. I mean, teaspoons, for Christ’s sake. What are they good for? Have you ever tried eating pot noodles with a teaspoon? It’s practically impossible. You just end up with a teaspoon full of sweet and sour flavoured noodle water.”

The Government has stated it hopes to raise over 675 euros through the initiative. Petr Cech welcomed the move, stating “yea, no. I think it’s great. My kids love the little figurines of their dad. If nothing else, this misguided endeavour has made two little Czech children very happy. I’m earning bugger-all in images rights, though.”

Climate Change A Myth, Says Survey

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has published statistics which show that wombats are the primary environmental concern of most British people. In the survey, carried out by Ipsos MORI, 87% of people revealed that wombats "scare the bejesus" out of them.

The Secretary of State for the Environment, Hilary Benn MP, was philosophical about the outcome of the survey, stating "fair play, they are blood scary. with those big teeth and tails like an old fashioned tennis racket". When informed that he was actually thinking of beavers, Mr Benn stated "Really? Whatever. Public opinion doesn't lie. Look at Big Brother for example."

Additional environmental concerns highlighted by the report included roundabouts, the X-Men, deforestation, George Bush and the price of seabass. Climate change was identified as an issue of concern for only 0.76% of respondents.

Matthew Murphy, frontman of British indie-pop sensations, The Wombats, reacted poorly to the report. "This is an absolute sodding nightmare. Now people won't buy our albums due to negative connotations. I would be very interested to learn the scope of the sample employed Ipsos MORI in this vulgar excuse for a survey."

A separate survey carried out by Defra found that 100% of red squirrels feel the introduction of grey squirrels to the United Kingdom has been a bad thing. Joseph the red squirrel was quick to defend the result, stating "honest to God, it is not a race thing".