A Podcast For Blind People

We're keen to be more socially inclusive here at Big Cloud, so we have re-recorded one of our classic podcasts, The Writers Room, for blind people.

You can subscribe to Big Cloud podcasts here, or stream that bitch right here.

Cream Team

Follow the exploits of Dunton Bassett FC, as the strugglers from the Coca Mola Novelty Drink Regional League 4 receive a much needed financial boost from a controversial new sponsor.

What's Michael's favourite film? Requiem for a Stream. Download or subcribe through Feed Burner. Great, thanks. Thanks very much. Cheers. All the best.

The Ski Rep

Oh, yes. Yep. Yes. Uh-huh. It's the new Big Cloud podcast. It's here. It's finally here. The movie event of the century... if by movie you mean 'cheaply made, low-quality audio' and by century you mean 'day'.

Anyway, basically it's about this guy. And he's a ski rep.... You know what? I don't want to ruin in for you. Just listen for yourselves. Enjoy.

Is it real or just a stream? Or you can subscribe at Feed Burner. 'Shit yes', I hear you say.

Murder Investigation Haunts 'Small' Village

Smurf Village, situated deep inside an unknown forest, has been plunged into disarray following the assassination of Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf, who celebrated his 50th birthday this year, was doing some smurfing in the garden of his mushroom house when an unknown assailant broke into his home before smurfing Papa Smurf with a blunt object, said to resemble a cricket bat.

Next door neighbour, Vanity Smurf, had this to say, following the horrific incident: “I was just smurfing in the kitchen when I heard a loud noise so I smurfed outside as quickly as I could - and there I saw him, Papa Smurf, smurfed. Completely smurfing smurfed. Anyway, how do I look? Smurfing hot, yeah? You’d smurf me right?”

The police are currently interviewing suspects. Among those accused of this shocking atrocity are Sneaky Smurf, Snappy Smurfling, Enchanter Homnibus, Grouchy Smurf and Spy Smurf - who was a colleague of Papa Smurf during his time at the CIA in the mid-1960s.

Grouchy Smurf was quick to defend his name. “Smurf you!”, he said, “I ain’t no smurferer. You smurf.” Sneaky Smurf also rebutted the allegations saying, “no mate, it wasn’t me. I was smurfing Princess Salvina… oh yea. That smurf can smurf, you know”.

The police are said to be looking for a small blue man, wearing white trousers, white shoes and a white hat. If you see someone who matches this description please call 08701 89 891 and ask for Detective Inspector Harmony Smurf.

Sssuffer in Sssilence

A man who suffers severely from a lisp has decided to cure the problem in the most drastic way imaginable - by simply not saying any words that contain the letter 's' in its hard-pronounced form.

Steve Sykes, 77, of Syndenham, has suffered from the affliction since birth. Instead of saying the letter 's', as in 'snake' or 'synapses', he says 'th', as in 'thoughtful' or 'mother'. And instead of saying 'c', as in 'cyanide' or 'rotten plaice', he says 'th' as in 'third in line to the throne' or 'William Rothschild'.

Steve has had to put up with jibes and mickey-taking with regard to his childish and effeminate enunication of this fairly straightforward sound his whole life.

Well, not anymore. As Steve Sykes himself says succinctly, 'eventually the joking had to end.'

'I haven't uttered one word with that letter in it for a whole week. And I don't think I ever will have to ever again in my whole long life.' At first Steve had to lower himself to the status of Steven Hawking, who is much, much cleverer than Steve but who has to write all his sentences into a computer before it can be made into sound. Steve's 1979 Penguin Mach2 typewriter was taking too long, however, so Steve began to practise at night-times in front of the mirror.

'It was hard at first. It took a really long time - hours and hours - to get good at it, but I made it eventually. I'm really happy now.'

I pointed out to him that he had just said the word 'first', which contained an 's', and that for the first time in the interview he had sounded quite silly, but I wasn't expecting him then to jump head first through a closed window on the fourth floor of my apartment block. The funeral is on Friday.